Merry x'mas 2011

Dear diary,
Today's the 25th of december and merry christmas. i spent my christmas eve with koksiong, weimin, iz, derrick, yx and natasha @ town today and it was damn crowded. this year's christmas was quite boring because i had to be home at 11 but it's ok because next year's christmas will be a better one i believe. yongcai, merry christmas to you. i hope that as you look up in the sky tonight, you will remember our last christmas and remember me. your mom is really the biggest obstacle in this journey and i really don't know how much longer i can take it because it's really very painful to know how much she still cannot accept me. i really think some times that if me not being in the picture, every thing will be so much better for you and i sincerely want all the best for you till now. nobody can ever understand my pain, nobody will. i feel like a failure because i thought of giving up but i never wanted to peter, i never did. i wished that i was much stronger because it's really very tough with out you here, nobody is here to protect me, to tell me how beautiful am i, to tell me how much they need me, to tell me that they love me but i don't blame you, i blame myself for not stopping you. i really wanna see you but i dont want you and your mom to quarrel because she's your mom and she loves you more but that does not make me love you any lesser than she does. all this really taught me alot, my future ahead seems so much brighter now but its only because of you. i hope that your mom don't take it away from me because your embrace and the memories you've left me is the only thing that kept me so strong till today... on last year's today, you were here by my side and it was the best christmas ever because i finally knew what love was and i really miss you so much. i really hope that you can feel my love for you peter, it's as wide as the ocean and please know that i never wanted to give up. i just hope that you will take good care of yourself and please know that nothing has ever change. i thank all the pillars by my side, supporting me, my bros my hostel girls and my family, i would have already fall apart without them.

Dear god, please take good care of this boy over there and never give up on him like how im never giving up on him because he really needs you now. father i also pray that you'll show him the right path in life and tell him how much i love him and miss him whenever he feel like giving up because i know it's very tough for him in there but please always be there for him in this period of time, give him the courage and strength to continue smiling and laughing like how he was back then. father i also pray that you'll also give me the strength and courage to continue walking this road alone because i never want to give up on my dear boy, i wanna be there for him till he comes out to tell him how much i love him and to say those 3 words to him because i never told him. i also hope that you'll open his mom's heart because i really want to change for the better and i hope that she can see how much i love him, just as much as she does..............merry christmas my dearest boy soo yongcai

14 more months to go

Yours faithfully, Joan